Ron And Mallory At The Hospital
by Red Witch
Summary: Ron and Mallory both visit Archer at the same time. Archer's lucky he's in a coma.


** The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters is obviously sick. Like my tiny little mind who imagines these things when there is nothing good on TV. So, imagine if you will…**

**Ron And Mallory At The Hospital **

Mallory sat by her son's bedside in the hospital room. She had a phone in one hand and a flask in another. "Oh Sterling…" She sniffed as she took a drink.

She then frowned. "What the hell did I put in this flask? It tastes like somebody melted down a candy cane. How drunk was I to put this in?"

"Hey," Lana walked in with Ron behind her. "How's it going?"

"Terrible," Mallory winced as she put down the flask. "I must have put the wrong drink in my flask. It tastes like peppermint schnapps gone bad and went to Mexico."

"How are you holding up Mallory?" Ron asked, concerned.

"Oh, I'm just doing **just dandy**!" Mallory glared at him. "Didn't you see me tap dancing across the room in glee? What the hell are you doing here?"

"Ron gave me a lift because my car is in the shop," Lana said. "Nothing major, just some tires needed to be changed."

"I thought I'd come with her and see how Sterling is doing," Ron added.

"Why do you even **care?"** Mallory asked.

"What? I can't visit my own stepson?" Ron snapped. "You know I like Sterling, right?"

"Well you haven't exactly been a frequent visitor before!" Mallory snapped.

"You haven't **wanted** me to come here before!" Ron shouted.

"Please! **Both **of you!" Lana pointed to Archer. "For Archer's sake?"

"Fine," Mallory let it go. "For Sterling's sake."

"We can't stay too long," Lana said. "I left AJ with Pam and the others back at the office and I promised her I'd be back by noon."

"Hang on," Mallory frowned. "Why is my granddaughter at the office and not at that very expensive school where she belongs? You know? County Day? The one I **pay** for?"

"You do know there's a city-wide teacher's strike going on right?" Lana asked.

"I wasn't. But I imagine that would be for public schools only," Mallory said.

"No, County Day is on strike too," Ron corrected.

"What do you mean County Day is **on strike**?" Mallory snapped at Lana. "County Day is a **private school**! The only time private school teachers go on strike is when they put the wrong vending machine in their cushy teacher's lounges!"

Lana sighed. "All the teachers at County Day are striking in solidary with the public-school teachers in LA."

"Why?" Mallory snapped. "They're already paid twice as much as most of the other teachers in LA! Hell, they're probably paid more than some **college professors** in the entire country! And have more tenure!"

"I think it's a union thing," Lana sighed.

"Typical," Mallory snorted. "Every time I think socialism is dead it rears its demented head and bites me in the ass!"

"You?" Lana snapped. "**I'm** the one who has to find day care for AJ! Which leads me to the question…Mallory…"

"Nooope," Mallory shook her head. "I can't Lana! I simply **can't**! I have to go be at Sterling's bedside in case he wakes up. Even he can't keep hanging on in a coma forever. Although if there was a way for Sterling to drag out a coma…"

"I will be happy to watch AJ!" Ron spoke up. "You can count on me Lana."

"Thank you," Lana sighed.

"_You can count on me Lana,"_ Mallory mocked. "Suck up!"

"It's called **being there** for family," Ron snapped. "Maybe you've heard of it?"

"What the hell do you think I'm doing **here**?" Mallory pointed to Archer. "Going on a shopping spree at Nieman Marcus?"

Lana noticed something. "You **are **shopping at Nieman Marcus! Online!"

"Well I have to do **something** productive Lana!" Mallory snapped. "And this is one of the few times a year cosmetics are fifteen percent off! I'm on a budget now Lana! With very little money coming in, I have to take advantage of every sale I can get."

"Especially since you're not taking advantage of me anymore," Ron folded his arms.

"Oh my God Ron," Mallory looked at him. "First you complain about me spending too much. Then you complain about me trying to save a buck! Which is it? Pick a lane!"

She then took a drink from the flask. "And **what kind** of alcohol did I put in here? I swear this alcohol went bad," Mallory winced at the flask.

"That's impossible," Ron said. "Your flask doesn't hold alcohol long enough for it to go bad."

"Well that's what I thought," Mallory showed him. "Smell it for yourself!"

Ron took it. "Oooh! That doesn't smell right."

"So, it's not just me?" Mallory asked.

"I think whatever this is," Ron winced as he handed it back. "It's not good. It's just bad. Just plain bad."

"It even tasted a bit chunky," Mallory admitted. "I felt a chunk…"

"How can alcohol be **chunky?**" Ron asked. "I can see egg nog but…"

"Lana you smell this," Mallory showed her. "Does this smell right to you?"

"Well no…" Lana realized something. "Then again this is Cheryl's flask so I guess for her…"

"_What?"_ Mallory gasped. "This is **Carol's flask**? How the hell you know that?"

"My first clue was the name Cherlene monogrammed on the side," Lana pointed. "And since that's one of Cheryl's aliases…"

"Oh, dear god!" Mallory winced as she threw the flask in a wastebasket. "I drank out of **Carol's flask**! Ugh! Agggh! No wonder it tasted so horrible!"

"Not to mention it's probably filled with drugs," Ron said.

"Maybe it had a groovy bear in it?" Lana realized. "You said it was chunky."

"OH MY GOD!" Mallory wailed.

"She has been known to grind up groovy bears and put them in her drinks," Lana said.

"Great! I've been poisoned by Carol!" Mallory moaned. "It's just as well I'm in a hospital!"

"Oh, **this** you're concerned about?" Ron asked. "You've been gulping down drugs with hooch like they're candy for months!"

"But not **Carol's candy**!" Mallory snapped. "I have **standards!**"

"Oh, for crying out loud…" Ron groaned.

"Mallory do you want me to get a doctor?" Lana asked.

"What she needs is a psychiatrist," Ron snorted.

"You are **so supportive** in my time of need," Mallory glared at him. "I could use a stomach pump right now to get the germs of Carol's idiocy and bad alcohol out of my system!"

"You don't need a stomach pump," Ron said. "You need an intervention and a lot of AA meetings."

"We tried the intervention," Lana admitted. "Didn't work."

"I don't know," Mallory said. "That was one of our better office parties."

"Maybe I should get a doctor?" Lana wondered.

"Don't bother," Mallory groaned. "The damage is done. I've got Carol's idiot germs inside me."

"Lana honey," Ron said. "The way she drinks if her liver hasn't given out by now…"

"How can you be so casual about this?" Mallory snapped.

"How could you be so drunk you didn't notice whose flask you were taking?" Ron snapped.

"Maybe Carol planted it on me?" Mallory snapped.

"Oh please!" Ron groaned.

"That's what I bet she did!" Mallory snapped. "She deliberately planted her horrible drink in my purse in order to make me sick!"

"You make **me sick**!" Ron snapped. "With all your crazy!"

"Oh, you think I'm crazy?" Mallory snapped.

"I **know** you're crazy!" Ron shouted back.

"ZIP IT!" Lana snapped. "**Both **of you are crazy! And Ron I hate to say it but I have to give Mallory the benefit of the doubt on this one. Cheryl has been known to do things like that…"

"**See?"** Mallory challenged.

"Although Mallory you could have paid a little more attention," Lana added. "And made sure you were drinking from your own flask."

"Fine Lana," Mallory snapped. "I'll launch a CSI investigation every time I want to take a drink!"

"Can we just talk about something else?" Lana groaned. "**Anything** else?"

"Fine," Mallory sighed. "What's going on with the agency?"

"Anything but **that,**" Lana let out a sigh.

"What happened **this time**?" Mallory snapped. "What are those idiots doing?"

"Currently still having that tea party with AJ," Lana admitted.

"I mean _in general,"_ Mallory snapped. "What's been going on at the office that I need to know about?"

"It might be better if you **didn't**," Lana said. "Legally."

"I hate it when people use that phrase," Mallory groaned.

"We did come up with some new rules," Lana said. "One, Krieger is no longer allowed to make coffee. Two, if we notice that we're all drinking or eating something and Krieger isn't…We have to tell everyone."

"Why those rules?" Ron asked.

"It's Krieger, Ron," Mallory groaned. "It's best **not **to know."

"Oh right," Ron winced.

"Now that I think about it," Mallory thought. "We probably should have had **those rules** long before now. In fact, I should have implemented them myself the day I invited Krieger to a Mother-Son Brunch at the Ladies' League."

"You invited **Krieger **to a _Mother-Son Brunch_ but not **your own son**?" Ron was stunned.

"Yes," Mallory sighed. "And as it turns out my instincts were correct. Even with the minor disaster Krieger caused it was still more pleasant than any of those functions I attended with Sterling. At least Krieger wasn't screaming at me, throwing a tantrum or screwing someone's daughter or wife."

"Krieger put something in the coffee that day, didn't he?" Lana groaned.

"To be fair I told him I wished **anything** would happen so I wouldn't hear Trudy Beekman's speech," Mallory admitted. "Technically Krieger was just taking the initiative when he put in those super laxatives in the coffee."

"Oh, dear God," Ron groaned.

"And truth be told," Mallory admitted. "I had been constipated for over a week. So, it really was more of a relief that I spent half the luncheon in the toilet. Still better than listening to Trudy Beekman."

"I don't want to know anymore," Lana groaned.

"Me too," Ron groaned.

Mallory looked at Lana. "Have we had any clients?"

"Other than Cheryl?" Lana asked.

"I withdraw the question," Mallory grumbled as she looked through her purse. "Damn it! I could have sworn I had another flask in here. Or at the very least a couple of small airplane bottles of scotch. I don't suppose Ron you would be a gentleman and run down to the nearest store to get me some?"

"You've already got half a bar in your system," Ron snapped. "Plus, possibly some of whatever drugs Glue-ia Acts Like a Child has. What? Are you trying to get into a coma too?"

"Don't tell me what to do Ron!" Mallory bristled.

"Somebody should," Ron grumbled.

"Please!" Lana protested. "Just both of you! Please!"

"Okay Lana," Ron said. "I'm sorry."

"Why are you apologizing to **her** and not me?" Mallory snapped.

"You **know** why!" Ron snapped back.

"Please!" Lana barked. "Both of you!"

"Why are you yelling at **me**?" Mallory asked.

"Because you started it," Ron said.

"I did not," Mallory defended.

"Did too," Ron said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"I'd say you two were acting like AJ but she's more mature than this!" Lana groaned.

"Did not!" Mallory snapped.

"Did too!" Ron snapped back.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"You're **both** acting like Pam and Cheryl!" Lana snapped. "There! I **said **it!"

"No need to be **that harsh,"** Mallory sniffed.

"I'm sorry," Ron apologized. "Hospitals always make me a little jumpy."

"Not exactly one of my favorite hangouts either," Mallory remarked. "I mean I used to date my share of doctors…"

"We know," Lana rolled her eyes. "You had enough to staff St. Elsewhere."

"I'll never forget when my pal Big Al went into the hospital to have his appendix removed," Ron said. "He was scared that he'd never leave the hospital alive. It was his huge fear. _Don't worry_, the doctors said. _It's a routine procedure. Everything will be fine_. Two days later Big Al was dead."

"He died during surgery?" Mallory asked.

"No, the surgery went fine," Ron said. "Unfortunately, Big Al was making time with a certain showgirl named Peaches McCallan. Who happened to be the main squeeze of a mobster named Jimmy 'Tuna' Albanzo. Tuna found out about them and went to visit Big Al in the hospital after visiting hours. Carrying a guitar case. But he didn't play no instrument if you get my drift."

"That's horrible!" Mallory said. "And I'm not referring to the circumstances, I'm saying that's a horrible story!"

"I didn't finish," Ron said. "Big Al's wife wasn't exactly thrilled with the circumstances and she went to get her revenge on Tuna. However, as fate would have it, they hit it off. Next thing Peaches knows she's out of a job. Big Al's wife and the Tuna are hitched and they buy a yacht. Six months later they go out to sea, but only the wife comes back. She claimed that her husband died in a freak shark attack. Which was corroborated by his bodyguard."

"Let me guess," Mallory said. "Shortly after that the wife runs off with the bodyguard?"

"The funeral service wasn't even over when they got caught making out in the closet," Ron said.

"Yeah, I've seen that happen a few times," Mallory sighed. "I've seen a lot of things in my day…But my only son in a coma…That's the hardest thing ever…. Well that and seeing Trudy Beekman win Woman of the Year. Three times."

"Why do you hate Trudy Beekman?" Ron asked. "You've never really explained it to me."

"What's to explain?" Mallory asked. "She is an uptight, self-absorbed, self-important snobbish bitch who looks down on everyone who doesn't worship her fat upper class feet."

"So basically…" Ron paused. "A more successful version of **you**?"

"Yuuup," Lana sighed.

"I'm also sure she's part Irish!" Mallory snapped. "God I could kill for a decent drink. Would it kill this hospital to install a bar in here? They certainly make enough money to open up one considering the hospital bills."

"Are you sure **you're **not part Irish?" Ron joked.

"Don't start, Ron," Mallory glared at him.

"Just saying," Ron held up his hand. "The way you drink, you could probably put James Joyce under the table."

"Only James Joyce?" Lana asked. "She could probably outdrink half the Irish Literary Society. And then date the other half."

"Oh, ha, ha," Mallory glared at them. "Very amusing."

"Oh, lighten up Mallory," Ron said.

"My son is in a coma!" Mallory snapped.

"He's been in a coma for **months!**" Ron protested.

"You have a point," Mallory sighed. "It's not just me, right?"

"It does seem like he's milking it a little yeah," Ron said.

"Ron!" Lana gasped.

"Well **he is!"** Ron said. "I've seen guys twice his age in a coma. Either they snap out of it within a month or die!"

"Well **that's **a comforting thought!" Lana barked.

"I need a comforting draught," Mallory grumbled. "Ron can't you get me a drink?"

"I think I've enabled your alcoholism enough," Ron told her.

"Fine," Mallory grumbled. "Lana…"

"No!" Lana snapped.

"Fine!" Mallory let out a breath of air. "Have I been getting any mail Ron? Back at the house?"

"Mostly magazines and advertisements," Ron said. "Including a closing sale from some place called Maks."

"Maks is _going out of business_?" Mallory gasped.

"Well the one in New York is," Ron shrugged.

"I **loved** that store!" Mallory gasped. "Some of my best shopping experiences were there! I can't believe it's going out of business! And I'm missing the **sales!"**

"Can't you just buy some of the stuff they have online?" Lana asked.

"Lana this is Maks," Mallory told her. "Maks doesn't **do** online!"

"That could be one of the reasons it's going out of business," Lana surmised.

"When is the closing date?" Mallory asked.

"I don't know," Ron shrugged. "It was a couple of weeks ago. I only remember it because I had to open up that gold envelope it was in."

"I GOT A SIGNATURE GOLD ENVELOPE?" Mallory shouted. "I've waited **years **to be in their Gold Standard Club! And why did you open **my mail?"**

"It said Mallory Archer and Family," Ron snapped. "Last I checked, I'm still technically family!"

"And yet you still won't get me a drink?" Mallory snapped. "Well what did it say?"

"It just had a coupon and something about a final sale," Ron said. "I don't remember!"

"How can you **not** remember?" Mallory snapped. "You can remember your stupid idiot friends' stupid lives but you can't remember something as important as Maks going out of business?"

"I don't remember! Sue me!" Ron snapped.

"I **should!**" Mallory snapped.

"I'll look online to see what day it closes," Lana took out her phone. "Oh. It was two weeks ago."

"TWO WEEKS AGO?" Mallory shouted. "One of my most favorite places in the world closed two weeks ago and I missed it? Damn it all to hell! Well there's an important part of my life I will **never** get back! Thanks a lot Ron!"

"How is this **my fault**?" Ron snapped. "You could have come get your mail anytime you wanted."

"Plus, you couldn't have gone anyway," Lana said. "For one thing, your son is in a coma!" She pointed to Archer.

Mallory looked at her son. "See what you've done to me? See what I've been reduced to because of **you?"**

"Oh sure," Ron waved. "Blame the victim. Besides you couldn't afford to shop there anyway."

"Kick me when I'm down Ron!" Mallory snarled. "Just kick me when I'm down!"

"Oh, you are **never **down," Ron said sarcastically. "You're the Unreasonable Mallory Archer!"

"Unreasonable?" Mallory snapped. "My life is falling to pieces! I just lost something very precious to me and I am grieving! Oh god! Maks! Maks! How I will miss your glamor. Your ambiance…The way you made sure that no one under a certain income could even step foot in the door."

"Your casual racism," Lana added.

"Classism," Mallory snapped. "**Not **racism. They had two black salesgirls and a Jewish manager! And that woman who owned all those hair salons in Harlem shopped there with no problems! It was **classism!** Oh my god! Harvey! The doorman! He always gave me a smile and told me to have a nice day! I will miss that man!"

"You're grieving more over a damn store than you are over your own son!" Ron snapped.

"He's still **here**!" Mallory pointed. "He's just unconscious! Which is normally not so new. It's just a lot longer than usual! But I'll never get Maks back! Never!"

"Maybe they have a store in another city…?" Ron suggested.

"It won't be the same!" Mallory started to sob. "My store is gone!"

"Mallory," Lana put her hand on Mallory's shoulder. "Don't you think you're transferring some of how you feel about Archer into this store going out of business?"

"No, it's definitely the store being gone," Ron nodded.

"He's right," Mallory sniffed. "God I could use a drink."

"You're not the only one," Lana sighed as she pulled her hand away.

"Is there **anything else** I should know?" Mallory glared at Ron. "Any other life changing events you're keeping from me?"

"Only **you** would consider a dumb store closing to be a life changing event!" Ron snapped.

"Tell that to all the children who shopped at Toys R Us!" Mallory snapped. "Well?"

"Oh God," Ron remembered. "There is something more…"

"What?" Mallory snapped. "What happened **now**?"

"One of our old neighbors in our apartment building died back in New York," Ron said. "Remember Millicent Castlehops?"

"Yes," Mallory realized. "We went to school together. I was maid of honor at her wedding. We were on several of the same committees for years. Always sent each other Christmas cards. She **died?**"

"Yes, about a week ago," Ron sighed. "Sorry. I should have told you."

"Eh," Mallory waved. "No big loss."

"I always found her annoying," Ron admitted.

"She was," Mallory nodded. "Every year she'd send one of those dumb Christmas cards detailing the lives of all her children and grand children and blah blah blah…"

"I hate those," Ron said.

"So, do I!" Mallory admitted. "They are so pretentious!"

"It's like they have to rub it in everybody's face how great their life is!" Ron said. "Okay, you're doing well! No need to get all smug about it!"

"Exactly," Mallory admitted. "It's just so tacky. Then again so were all the clothes Millicent used to wear."

"I've seen clowns with better outfits," Ron admitted.

"True," Mallory laughed. "Ah I needed that. Thank you, Ron."

"Anytime Babe," Ron waved.

Lana looked at them. "You two really need to go see a marriage counselor."

"Why?" Mallory asked.

"Because I'm sick of **hearing** you two!" Lana barked. "Somebody other than me, needs to listen to your crazy because I have **had **it!"

"Lana," Mallory said. "Maybe **you're **the one who's projecting her own feelings about Sterling onto other people?"

"Yeah we're just having a conversation here," Ron told her. "No need to fly off the handle."

"I didn't want to say anything," Mallory said. "But you have been a little emotional these past few months."

"At least I haven't been drinking myself into a coma!" Lana barked. "Or taking more drugs than an entire pharmacy!"

"You should consider taking something," Ron said.

"Just to even you out a little," Mallory said. "I hate to say it but Carol's gummy bears are kicking in and they feel really good right now."

"I'm not taking…Never mind," Lana sighed. "I'm going to the bathroom. I'll be back…" She got up.

Ron paused after Lana left. "She isn't handling this well, is she?"

"She's trying to be strong," Mallory admitted. "Trying to prove to the world she doesn't need anyone or anything. You know Lana."

"I know," Ron said. "You can't tell her anything. She has to figure it out herself."

"Fat chance," Mallory grumbled. "Do you have any idea how many years it took me to convince her to steal Sterling's sperm so she could have a child? Talk about banging your head against a wall. She probably still wouldn't have done it if I hadn't paid that doctor off to not ask any questions about where Lana got that sperm."

"**What **did you say?" Ron did a double take.

"Nothing," Mallory covered. "So what else is going on?"

Ron asked. "Do you actually **care** or are you making small conversation?"

"I'm sitting here in a hospital beside my comatose son with no more alcohol to drink," Mallory said. "Just take what you can get Ron."

"Maybe Lana has a point about getting counseling?" Ron admitted.

"Like it worked **so well** all those other times," Mallory scoffed.

"Those times would have worked if you gave it a chance!" Ron snapped.

"Please!" Mallory snapped. "Those shysters were quacks looking to make a quick buck off our misery!"

"Myrna's right," Ron snapped. "You do have a problem with authority!"

"No, I don't," Mallory glared at him. "Because **I am** the authority! And who the hell is Myrna?"

"She's Frank's sister," Ron said.

"Frank? As in Frank **Goldberg?**" Mallory's voice turned icy.

"Uh…" Ron paused.

"You're **dating** the sister of the husband of that bitch Goldberg?" Mallory shouted.

"**No!"** Ron snapped. "She just happened to be visiting Frank **with her husband** I might add. They had a dinner party and we all…"

"So **what**?" Mallory snapped. "You're just hanging out with those people behind my back?"

"It's called making friends Mallory!" Ron shouted. "You should try it sometime!"

"Don't you know those assholes only want you around to get gossip on **me?**" Mallory shouted.

"NOT EVERYTHING IS ABOUT YOU!" Ron shouted.

"I don't want you hanging around Goldberg!" Mallory shouted.

"Well I don't want you to be a raging crazy bitch," Ron retorted. "Look like we're both not going to get what we want."

"You're ruining my buzz Ron!" Mallory snapped.

"Well you're ruining **my life!"** Ron shouted.

"Admit it Ron!" Mallory snapped. "Your home life hasn't been the same since I left!"

"Yeah, it's been much **better!**" Ron shouted. "I'm even eating pizza in the living room now!"

Mallory made a horrified gasp. "Not on my Nouveu Dresden!"

"If you're talking about that piece of crap, not anymore," Ron said. "It broke the minute I put my feet up on it."

"AAAHH!" Mallory gasped.

"I chopped it up and turned it into firewood!" Ron shouted.

"I'LL TURN YOU INTO FIREWOOOD YOU BASTARD!" Mallory screamed as she attacked Ron.

"AAAKKK!" Ron gasped as he fell backwards onto Archer.

"What the hell?" Lana walked in and saw Mallory choking Ron on Archer's bed. "WILL YOU TWO KNOCK IT OFF!" She pulled them apart. "What are you doing? I only left you alone for a few minutes!"

"Come back in a few more," Mallory snarled. "So I can **finish the job**!"

"You're crazy! You know that?" Ron snapped as he got up. "YOU'RE CRAZY!"

"Will you people please be quiet?" A nurse stormed in. "What is wrong with you? This is a hospital!"

"Just give me another minute with my traitor of a husband!" Mallory snarled. "Then you'll have another patient!"

"She's nuts! Just nuts!" Ron shouted. "Get a team of psychiatrists because she's **nuts!**"

"I think we'd better go Ron," Lana sighed. She looked at the nurse. "Sorry about this."

"One of our patients that was also in a coma just woke up," The Nurse said. "Complained of the noise."

"It's lucky for Sterling he actually is in the coma now!" Ron snapped. "He can't see how nuts you are!"

"Keep it up Ron," Mallory snapped. "You'll join him!"

"Do you want to be thrown out of this ward again?" The Nurse warned Mallory. "And you should stop drinking. Your breath smells like a rancid candy cane!"

"I have to talk to Carol about the quality of alcohol she consumes," Mallory admitted.

The Nurse was exasperated. "I can't believe your son is still unconscious with all the racket you make!"

"He's used to it," Lana sighed as she left with Ron.


End file.
